Keypage: Unstable Page of the Crying Children
240027
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Name Unstable Page of the Crying Children |
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Specs
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Passive abilities
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Can be dropped from
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Sister Pages
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Description
“Sorry. I get how you feel, but I’ll need more time to think about this.” “…” “…Um, are you feeling down?” “N-no, I’m fine… I get it. This was rather sudden, and you’ll need some time to collect your thoughts.” “Thanks for understanding. You know, you’re a very caring person. I guess gramps picked the right rookie to hire.” “Is that so… Thank you.” I couldn’t say anything beyond that. I tried to think positively about it, convincing myself that I wouldn’t want to see seonbae feel troubled because of me in the future. Clinging on to it further would only make me seem pathetic… Although seonbae didn’t decline my confession outright, it felt safer to think of it as a refusal so I wouldn’t get my head in the clouds and make another attempt at it. I shouldn’t have held any expectations in the first place. I thought I’d feel like a load had been taken off my chest after I’d confessed my pent-up feelings to her, but I couldn’t even bring myself to look seonbae in the eyes. I didn’t see it. I found myself looking for excuses. It’s not because I’m a coward… It’s not because I was afraid that I might be faced with darkness I can’t possibly handle if I lift my head, no. I just looked at the shade so I could see a brighter light, that’s all. That thought made me feel a bit easier. I don’t know what expression seonbae wore at that time. Was she grinning at my nonsense, or was she upset? All I can think is that she was probably giving me a look of disgust. “You gave a fine speech, but I must wonder if you’re truly upset for the sake of Salvador and your other late colleagues.” “…I’ll go prepare myself.” I closed the door on my way out. Was it because I didn’t want to hear any more of it? Did I lack the energy to refute him? I had no time to reflect on the reason I left my seat. The one thing I couldn’t stand was him putting the blame on me for leaving my master and seonbae behind in that place they call the Library when I escaped so that I could bring others to save them. A wise person once said that you must close your ears when someone utters useless words or speaks with harmful intention. Is the ‘uselessness’ of a talk determined solely by one’s own standards? Maybe Oscar was right. But are his words useless and wrong because they distressed me? Maybe I just didn’t want to accept it. Consoling myself that I need some time to focus only on the grief of losing my master and seonbae… I covered my ears. “You’re pausing it at just the right moment like it’s a rerun you’ve watched over and over… There’s got to be a reason.” “Shut up, shut the hell up…!” Sometimes, the human brain has difficulty telling reality from illusion. Watching a horror film incites fear even though you know it’s fiction; however, it’s not always easy to discern the truth. They’re standing right before my eyes reproaching me, but I can’t dismiss them as mere illusions. Even though they’re… dead. Gone. There was no way they could be real. It doesn’t make sense that I know what they’re about to say otherwise. It couldn’t be something they told me beforehand. When seonbae was about to speak, I shut her up, as though I knew what was going to unfold. What could I gain from uttering what will harm me. Self-justification? Those words would’ve wounded me for sure, but they were also words that would protect me. Yet again, I’m running away from truth. Vilifying others. It made me feel a bit better. Pameli was right; all I had to do was make up reasons that are convenient to me. It’s not my fault at all. They’re the bad ones… It’s derisive how shallow my admiration for my master and seonbae was, changing my attitude toward them so easily out of selfish self-preservation. Nothing is more beautiful than knowing the truth, and therefore, nothing must be more shameful than admitting that what one believed in was a lie. I could’ve sworn I acknowledged my vice and embraced it. Although the process was a little unstable, I still felt ashamed for the truthless deeds I had done, and decided to cherish that negative part of myself as I am. Or so I thought… I stopped talking. I couldn’t even tell what was appropriate to speak anymore. Turn a blind eye to all that tries to hurt me. Turn a deaf ear to words that will lead me down the wrong path. Turn a mute mouth to unnecessary evil. And last of all, act not. Make myself happy that way. I could no longer perceive anything. |
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LOR: /EquipPage_ch5.xml, lines 573 ~ 604:
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