Keypage: 얀샋ㄷ요무’s Page

Have you ever seen a glimmer of light when you close your eyes? It’s blindingly bright at times, and it shakes in an irregular shape at times. This sensation is often called a phosphene. Whenever I close my eyes, the blurry image of a bloodstained carpet appears to me like that optical phenomenon. The beginning of an unpleasant nightmare. Four mannequins that lost a face and an arm each are lying on the carpet, spilling red beads; another mannequin has its hand on my shoulder. I turn around and look at the loudspeaker in the mannequin’s face. I can feel the vibration coming from it, even though I can’t hear what it says. But I already know what sound this mannequin is making. The vibration precisely matches the words I remember, and my heart starts beating accordingly.

This damned power of recall lost all my good childhood memories to oblivion, yet it brings back such remembrances every time I close my eyes. My response to it is always the same: Take the flower that’s slipped into my hand and nail it into the mannequin’s heart. A beautiful tree in bloom grows from the cracks the flower made. It’s as soft as the hands that caressed me, and it’s as pretty as the sound that consoled me. And it’s as sharp as the noise of that last moment when I was scolded for the first time. Every branch that grows from the tree causes a piercing buzz in my ears, and the petals hurt as they brush past my cheeks as if to make me feel the pain they hold. I stand still like my feet were tied, until my body is covered in scars. One, two… Black marbles fall from the wounds. How long have I been in this cycle of pain?

The nightmares have been with me for a good majority of my life. If I close my eyes, the memory of that time haunts me—and if I open my eyes, a reality I can hardly bear unfolds. I chose to keep my eyes shut because I thought I’d rather deal with the ever-echoing past. At least I won’t be visited by new kinds of pain… Prescripts keep coming without a break. The City folk meet different ends depending on the Prescripts they receive, though their fates all share a commonality of cruelty. Their resentment, screams, tears, rage, and death… It’s too much for my eyes. I sometimes thought how my life would’ve been if I stayed as a commoner taking Prescripts like them. Maybe I was better off back then. Maybe I should’ve just died early so I could breathe again as another being. Why did the Prescripts give me that order that day?

I trace back the nightmares to remember the past; everything was over, and I planned to follow them to death, but I didn’t have the courage to end my own life, so I… I picked up the Prescript that I thought would spell my doom at last and read it slowly. All the fresh-looking Prescript contained was a command to be a Messenger. It was pointing toward a beginning, not an end. I couldn’t see a single word that said anything about salvation or death. After being numb for a while, I finally tumbled down to the floor and broke into laughter louder than any sound I’d made before. I couldn’t help but laugh at my state. I wanted to end my life because of Prescripts, and now the Prescripts won’t even let me do that. Where has my free will run off to?

I was frustrated. Not even my own life was under my control, for everything relies on the Prescripts. Then I’ll gladly play along. Even if I can’t shatter the Prescripts, I’ll at least make a tiny crack. If I can show the masses that it’s possible to oppose the Prescripts, something might change… Something has to… It WILL make a difference. Once I had hope, I could see the way—and once I could see where to go, I had the strength to get up.

However, I realized it only just now. What I felt wasn’t hope, and that ignoring that Prescript and taking my own life as I’d planned might have been a truer expression of my free will.

What is the right way to live a life in this place, I must wonder? I’m not even dreaming of a life that I can be proud of; how does one achieve the feeling that their life is bearable to live, let alone be satisfied with it? I thought I had found an answer to that… But in the end, I couldn’t escape the Prescripts. The Prescripts are the City’s will as it is my will. I’ve realized my limit. I feel as if I’ve hit some kind of wall I can’t overcome. However, I don’t feel all too forlorn and miserable. Maybe there’ll be someone who can ride along with the flow, rather than break it. It just won’t be me; I’m not fit to accomplish such things.

So I want someone to find an answer in my stead. And I hope they can tell me that. Tell me how I can enjoy this nightmare.